Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Parkinsons disease, and depression

I haven't been in the mood to write/blog in quite a long time now. Since my last blog post I have self-harmed again, which is something I hate admitting yet feel I have to in ways. I don't understand the logic in lying to you guys, it's not fair and is not realistic.

I have been told this past week - that my step-dads father, my Grandad, is getting worse. He suffers from Parkinsons disease, as well as bipolar disorder - and his Parkinsons disease is gradually getting worse. I have heard that he is beginning to lose feeling on the right hand side of his body, as well as not being able to get up in the morning, falling over all the time, and losing the ability to do everyday normal human activities. I am losing him, and although in a sense I could never really connect with him when I first met him due to his bipolar - I never thought I could lose him more than this.
The thing about Parkinsons disease, is that is a disease of deterioration - which doesn't lead to death. It just causes the nerve cells in the body to rapidly deteriorate. The thing is though, as horrible as this sounds, I want his pain to end. I don't want to have to keep being told he is getting worse. I have no idea how much worse this could possibly get - and once again, I am fearing going to visit him because of all these reasons and more. My Dad doesn't really know how to cope with it all - and expects me to not care and doesn't understand why I am so upset about this. To be honest - I can't describe my reaction to it all, it just serves as an example of somebody else I am losing.

I have emailed the school learning mentor - currently on holiday in South Africa, yet I really hope he replies soon. I return to Sixth Form in a week from today, and I will need all the support I can get.

I have had a wonderful night out with friends last night, we went to Nuevos and The George pub. And it was really lovely and really funny - yet again I am back home contemplating my life and how everyone is moving on, they all return to university soon, in the next week or so. I feel as if I haven't had anybody face to face to speak to in ages - I never realised how going so long without therapy would be this hard - but I have to face the rest of my life without it, I can't do it.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Self-injury *trigger warning*


So after a week of battling with my emotions, I finally succumbed to the demon that is self-injury last night. And in ways of which I don't want to sound triggering, it slightly helped. All of that pent up emotion couldn't be lashed out anywhere else and it has just taught me that without therapy now, I need to start discovering some pro-active solutions to vent out my feelings. Usually in this circumstance I would have been able to speak to Lynda, or a teacher at school, or somebody - and now that isn't possible I need something or someone. I do regret self-harming last night but I feel somewhat that I have purged everything that needed to let go from my body (without of course purging). I spoke to Jason about it last night who agreed with me - yet I am not suggesting this to anybody and want to work myself on finding some more coping strategies that I built up through my 6-8 month recovery process from depression - and I think you should too.

I woke up this morning, got showered and dressed, and made a video as a distraction - doing something positive for YouTube always helps, plus the editing process of the videos can take a long time so that is always productive when you have a long day ahead. I have spent a lot of the morning catching up on videos and emails - especially watching back-to-back episodes of two wonderful girls who have a channel called Mentalhealthhelpuk - and of which I have picked up some very useful tips and advice, not just in regard to my mental health problems but within making my videos too. I may do some cleaning and distracting in that form, and then who knows what is going to happen. But since that little episode I think I have gained a little bit of strength and positive energy (from somewhere) to start again.

It's a shame that I sunk into that period of self-harm again - the last time was the first day back at Sixth Form, and for reasons of which I couldn't entirely remember other then panicking that I wasn't going to be able to cope. So it's been about two months - but I have gone much longer without it before, and it is definatly not as frequent. I know I can live without it.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

I hate these periods of depression - they are literally the worst.
Describing my mind earlier to a friend, I used the term, a blank canvas. There is a brain, a mind, capable of functioning and capable of being worked on, but just nothing is working, there is no picture. Nothing is clear, painted out in stone for me. I'm not entirely sure how I feel because I don't think there is anything there. I can't see tomorrow. I have no emotion - just staring blankly at a wall unable to express my feelings towards those closest to me - pushing my boyfriend of 2 years away telling him repeatedly to leave me because I'm working my utmost hardest to shut people out from my life.

I often wonder whether these strains in my eyes and the pains in my head I am going to the eye doctors at the hospital soon for is about any of this. Overthinking is causing no good to my head - I am writing this blog with a pounding headache and eye strain once more for about the 3rd time this week, preventing my from doing any of my media work, or reading my Jane Austen to calm me down.

I'm struggling to view the light, university, a job, marriage seems so unreachable and somewhere I will never travel to. I seem perpertually stuck in the present day, I feel unmovable. It's so difficult to think I am going to be 19 years old next month - it seems so unreal because I know even then I won't be at the point in my life I should have reached. I should be at university at 19 years old. I should have been getting my A-level results today along with thousands of other 18 year olds.

I am terrified the depression is going to absorb me and prevent my education again - I almost don't want to live to see if it will even happen because it terrifies me to allow it.

I want Lynda back and I know she is also unreachable. I know she maybe wouldn't have sorted everything out but she would have least helped me to have seen the light. I can't talk to anybody at home, and I can't speak to Nathan, not now...

A-level results day

So as if things were not getting any worse depression wise this week, today is A-level results day.
And I of course, have to sit and live with the fact that I am getting NO results today. Not even AS results.

It's something that should not be hurting me inside, and I tried to pretend that I didn't care before, but now the day is here, of course I care. It's just another way of being told that everybody in my life is moving forward and I however, am perpetuated in the present. It makes me future seem bleak and unattainable. But I know today is a day where I am going to be consistantly reminded of the failure that I am. It was even proven this morning when my English Literature teacher sent around a whole mass email to my old class (and I was included), exclaiming good luck for the results and good luck for the future and everything. It killed me inside. My future hasn't even started yet and in my eyes it doesn't even look possible.

And yes, I know perfectly well that I am not getting results today for a good reason. I was absorbed by an illness which quite frankly I was unable to control, and having lived with it and not taking the time from education, I may not have achieved the perfect results I desired. But even so, it just allows me to put myself down from even suffering from this bastard of an illness in the first place.

I know that today is NOT going to be a good one.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Having a little dip in my mood

So I was in the Lake District last week. Beautiful, beautiful place, very picturesque, as you would expect. However, I probably didn't have the nice, relaxing holiday I had originally intended, and there are two main reasons for that, the first being Nathans dad, and the second being worrying about the London riots back home. But I'm not sure I really want to discuss either of those, or the holiday in general.

Since I have returned, my mood has taken a drop. I have been taking my tablets a lot later in the day recently, sometimes completely forgetting at all to take them, which is unlike me but sometimes being on holiday can entirely zone out your usual routine. I have a feeling that may have played a slight part, but it's been one of those 'stay in bed because I am so depressed' days today - which worries me. My entire plan for today was to begin planning out Media and English Literature coursework - and it ended up in Nathan having to come and get me because I was in such a mess. Really not sure what that has all been about. I think when Nathan left this morning, during the time I was getting ready I had time to think. Which was a bad idea, as it has been something I haven't really been able to do properly in a while - it turns out thinking is bad for me! Who knew!

I think I am beginning to miss Lyndas support. It has taken a while for me to fully recognise her being absent from my life - and now I guess I am seeing life without her and it's tough. I even contemplated contacting the counseller from school, who gave me his email address - but to be honest I'd feel I was using him just for somebody to vent my emotions out, rather then somebody who could actually help.
Anyway, I am sure it's just a spell, and that things will improve in a while. In a weird way I am looking forward to getting back to Sixth Form, at least my days will be a little more structured and my mind will be too occupied with academic things to enable me to think negatively. I have been meaning to write in my blog for days and days - but I can't bring myself to switch the computer on to write a bunch of thoughts attempting to be positive when I can't be. Honestly though, I will snap myself into gear soon.

I may or may not have mentioned recently that my Mum has been embarking on this new diet, which appears to be working for her. Now, that was triggering enough, being that she mentioned calories every 5 seconds and consistantly told me she was on a strict 1200 calorie a day diet. Now my Nan AND my Dad have embarked on the same regime, and if I'm honest, at the moment, it's hard not to consider myself as the fat lump. Everytime I walk to the fridge I walk straight back to where I originally was again. Nothing about me wants to eat right now, nothing. Food is not satisfying me, it just makes me feel greedy. I have no idea how ANY of this is going to pan out but it's concerning me.

Thanks to all of my wonderful followers :)
(I promise, the blog will be a little more detailed, and maybe even interesting next time)