Sunday, 29 April 2012

I feel rather plagued and overthrown by stress at the moment, and it's only now I am realising that the stress of everything is what is impacting on my physical health.

Consistent nausea. Stomach cramps. Loss of breath. Headaches.
It all adds up.
Various tests I have had done, and I have an ultra-sound scan coming up.

I feel dreadful, all the time, which impacts on the mental side of things.
Have been put on lots of medication for it all, and nothing.
When I go to kiss Nathan I have to draw back because I can't breathe properly and I panic.

The exams are slowly approaching.
I have a lot of people in my life right now that I severely care about and am worried for - one is in hospital in Ealing and another is way too far away for me to even attempt to help.
Energy levels are dropping.
My motivation is dropping.

I saw Sarah in Sainsbury's a few days ago.
I wasn't sure whether she saw me or not but if she did, she avoided me.
It was so bizarre, she has only been gone from my life for a month or so and although I am coping relatively well without therapy, that doesn't mean I don't need it still.
I know logically, she would never have helped me if she was never giving me feedback from the sessions.
But still. Another counsellor lost.

I tried one last time to apologise to Mrs Smith. And she still doesn't want to speak with me.
It destroys me inside but there is nothing left to do.
I don't want to sit through school these next few weeks, I just want to go on study leave now, I am ready to leave, am ready to escape.



Thursday, 26 April 2012

Coming to a conclusion that nothing I seem to be doing is good enough.

I have to fight through this battle of negativity all the time, and things just keep happening to make me want to repent backwards.
I am so frustrated with my life that is 'Sixth Form'. I tried so hard to repair things with a teacher who doesn't want to know. My grades are declining because of a teacher-fuck up at the beginning of the year. And shit is always going down between friendship groups.

I just want to stick my two fingers up at everything.
But I need to stay strong.

Give the advice to myself that I would have given to anybody else in my position.
I keep looking towards my new future that I have set for myself, and it is looking bright.
I just have to get there.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

So...

It's 2012 now and so much has changed in my life I have no idea where to begin (but it is all positive things)

The last time I spoke to you I briefly mentioned going to see a private counseller after another desperate bout of depression. Well, that didn't work out, for various reasons. As much as I liked her, she consistantly accused me of not trying to get better, exclaiming that she was unable to see changes in me (when I thought I had changed for the better) - which was upsetting, as you can imagine. So I made the concious decision to leave - 3 weeks ago, and have not engaged in a bout of therapy since.

I was also working with the NHS on a possible personality disorder diagnosis. I haven't received the results yet, but even if they find the best course of therapy for me I am not sure if I will be able to accept it. It's time, at the moment, to stand strong and be on my own two feet, without therapy, and after exams, I am going to stop taking my medication.
This does NOT mean I have recovered. But I have adapted more positive coping mechanisms to deal with my depression as it arises - and it's reaching a stage where right now, perhaps I am the only person who is able to help me. It is a feeling of freedom which I love.
I haven't self-harmed in January 2012, which is a massive step for me. I still have some burn scars on my wrists (which my watch cleverly covers up) and the scars on my legs will probably never fade. But each scar has their own story, and as you can see by this blog, I haven't been afraid to share mine.
Of course, I miss Lynda to bits still. My favourite therapist. Boy if I knew where she was now, I would be there like a shot - we were as thick as thieves and totally understood each other. A negative outcome turned into a positive one, for the most part, and last year I had her to thank for that, she had been wonderful.
Same with Mrs Smith. She still doesn't speak to me, or hasn't made the effort too. I will never stop feeling the guilt from November 2010 but I am slowly starting to realise that part of the problem is hers too, and her reaction to what happened to me. I miss her to pieces, but unless I can convince her by the 31st of May to allow me to apologise - there isn't much more I can do, and I think I have finally accepted that.

I have also decided to move out for University to now study English Literature, in September - which is a massive step in the right direction, to move away from home, from Chingford, from everything and start new and afresh.
Of course, this does not mean I will never suffer from depression again. I am not recovered and I still struggle with the illness and it is still a daily battle to live with, alongside the body image issues that come into place during recovery of anorexia. It is the way you deal with these thoughts and move on that matters, and I think I am becoming a lot better at doing that recently, learning to appreciate the little things on top of everything else that is happening to me.

I wanted to write this today because I wanted to let you know how far I have come, even if my old counseller doesn't think so! I know I am, inside, and only I can be the judge of my thoughts and emotions, right?
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am always here.
Sending love!