Sunday, 27 May 2012

Gypsy parties and reflections!

So, my Friday night was occupied celebrating my very good friend Charlottes 18th birthday, gypsy style!

With more photos to come in due course!

After that drama of Friday night this weekend I have been busily preparing for the exams.

We break up for study leave on Wednesday and, I will finally be leaving the school, for good.
Some people have mixed emotions about leaving, but honestly, I cannot wait to be gone.
For me, my school has been associated with bad memories, which are not the schools fault but are of the fault of people I have met and classed as 'friends' over the years. I was bullied in the school years 7-9, and obviously my anorexia and self-injury accompanied that.
Then you have all of the issues that arose in Sixth Form. Being a year behind probably has induced my wanting to leave so badly, because I have been at the school for longer than most people.
I have had so many good times in the school too, but I am definitely ready to leave and pack my bags. It is a brilliant place to be educated for the most part and has some phenomenal teachers, especially in the English Literature department. The majority of the English Literature department saved me when I needed them the most and acted as my strengths and inspirations to carry on despite my depression. And I will be telling them this throughout this week.
In regards to the people I have become friends with, there are certain people I will miss, including the girls in the photos above.
But over the years I have learnt not to trust, and not to get too close, as I always appear to be stabbed in the back (and this has been gathered from older friendships in the school) and of course only being in this new year group for a year I think it will be a lot easier for me leaving than most people.
I will most certainly miss the English Literature teachers, and a few select others, but other than that? I'm ready. Ready to move on into University. Ready to continue my education and achieve a degree. Ready to move forward into my relationship with Nathan, get married, and live my life with him in tow. Ready to move on from the past, from the guilt with Mrs Smith, and from all the people that did me wrong.
Hence why I am working so so hard to achieve these grades to get there.

Slight lie up there, I am going to miss my form, for making me smile everyday. This was no doubt the best form I have been in out of the three - and although we all had completely different personalities we always had the best chats and managed to have a right laugh. So 13O, you will be missed!

So, goodbye Chingford School, I suppose. It was lovely knowing you.

But I need to move on. And I am excited :)

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

It's actually amazing how I can go out and feel like the happiest person in the world on the outside.
Went out today after school for a lovely dinner with Stella for the first time in ages, and it was lovely. And I felt happy.

Then I got back to Nathans, started working, and crashed.
I can't do these exams and succeed.
I want to just break down and cry but I feel almost made of stone. No tears flow.
And there's no-one around to let all of this out.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Anorexia, and weight gain? *trigger warning*

So, a comment mentioned on the weekend just passing has affected me to a massive degree.
It was my Mum's birthday on Friday and to celebrate we had a few friends round on Saturday. One of the women has known me since I was about 8/9 and we first moved into the flat, as she used to be our neighbour.

She had the cheek to stop in the middle of her conversation with my Mum, look at me up and down and exclaim; 'you look different, gained a bit of weight?' which was then followed by how good it looked but it was probably because she could see the disdain on my face.
I don't understand, firstly, what gives people the right to say whether you have gained weight or not. If I turned to her and told her that she had gained weight, she would lose the plot at me.
And secondly, this women always moaned on for years about how skinny I was, about how my bones were going to break, and now I've gained a bit of weight she is using it to her advantage. I am not sure if this women knew I had anorexia, but she's pretty thick if she never noticed the whole time.

Of course, I felt tears brimming up in my eyes. For an recovering anorexic, weight gain is one of the biggest fears, and it is certainly one of mine. And I know I've gained weight. I'm not stupid. I can see it, in my face, in my thighs, stomach. And I feel disgusting. But I know in my heart of hearts it is part of recovery and it needs to be done. I know once I have an exercise regime sorted for my Race for Life after my exams things will be a little more balanced and in place, and for now, I don't feel comfortable with my body.
I have made massive steps from my anorexic dark days.
For example, I found this picture of myself the other day, on my 16th birthday. Looking back at those pictures makes me cringe inside. It was almost a year before I met Nathan for the first time and hopefully any person would be able to look at that picture and realise that I was ill. 

Similarly, this picture, and this night in general, looking at the photos overall is so triggering for me. New Years Eve 2008 ^^^
And back in 2008 with my best friend. 

Now of course, when you compare those pictures to ones of me now: (this photo was taken in March)

Then yes, it is obvious that I have gained weight. And it's not pretty and I hate it just as much as the world hates looking at it.
Trying to starve myself nowadays is a massive pain in the butt. My body can't even last until break time in Sixth Form without food anymore. Back in years 9, 10, and 11 I would be going for days without food. My body has shut down on me and isn't being as nice as it used to.
To tell me I've gained weight just sends me straight down the spiral which I know I can't go down. These people don't think I don't hate my body enough as it is. These people don't think I hate myself enough as it is. These people clearly don't understand all the body checking, measuring, weighing, body dysmorphia that comes with suffering from an eating disorder. So thanks, to the lovely 'friend' who made that comment.

I sacrificed years of my life for my looks and then get criticised for trying to be healthy?!
I can't win whatever I do.

That thought has been applicable to much of my life today. Whatever I do with friends, Sixth Form, work, I can't win. Nothing I do appears to please anyone. And I am so much of a people pleaser that I try and try and try.
I am so worn out and stressed from all of this and I feel so lethargic and knackered. Working so hard and it appears to be getting nowhere. And then past comments let you down and you're back to square one again.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

I walked into that exam so confident and prepared, and came out feeling like the biggest failure going.

One failure down, five more to go.

Monday, 14 May 2012

A little fed up of people thinking that because they have no exams they have the right to irritate, annoy and continuously distract me whilst I am trying to revise for the 7 that I have.
Unfortunately, telling said people to shut up doesn't work, so if any physical violence occurs within the next month, do not hold me accountable. You have been warned.

It's been a panicky day today. Been struggling to breathe all day and have felt very faint. It reached a stage where I was looking at my Media notes for tomorrows exam so much that everything was just a blur.
Went to sit in Mr Belas room at lunchtime to get away from the noisy surroundings of the Sixth Form area, and work for a while, and surprise surprise, I ended up breaking down and crying. Again.
Managed to get one final practice essay done period 5 and that's it - no more media essays until tomorrows exam. I have done so much practice for this one that any more is not going to change things - about 5 section A papers and about 3/4 section B papers. Just a bit of touching up and refreshing on my case-study this evening, in bed by 10, and I will be prepared. I hope.

My medication isn't being taken at the proper times at the moment which I know isn't helpful. Sometimes I just go days without the Prozac without even meaning to, and I can clearly see it sitting on the kitchen side waiting for me to take. I reckon a few propanolols for the daytime, with one before the exam will help ease this nasty anxious feeling in my gut.

Going to try and make my media teachers proud of me tomorrow, past and present.

Friday, 11 May 2012

I finally had the guts to go and speak to Mr Belas yesterday. He is my English teacher, one of them - and is one who I feel I can trust and whom I hold an awful amount of respect for - not just in how intelligent he is but in life in general.

Of course, he delivered. I came into his room in a complete mess. I had just come back from lunch with my Nan and needed to come back into school to see Mr Christophy, but I still felt rough, felt that if I went home my thoughts would occupy themselves and manifest. And bless his heart, he really helped. He helped set my mind in perspective a little about the upcoming exams - at least for that evening anyway, and calmed me down an awful lot.

Exam period begins next Tuesday - Media Studies.
Done tons of past papers for Mr Christophy, and finally managed to get an A on one today - so the prospects for Tuesdays exam are looking good. Although knowing my luck, as has been for the past two exams, I will fail once more.

I need to find a constructive way of installing confidence into myself right now as I have lost it entirely.
I have neglected so many people at the moment as well - Amy, my teacher who lives in Grantham who is struggling a little, and just friends and family who need my support and I can't deliver that at the same time as delivering A-grade work. Just feel a bit pathetic, need a lot of time to myself to think.

I miss Ireland as well. I found this yesterday and it made me tear up so much:

Was thinking about this earlier. Ireland. My family. How much my uncle should have been in these photos.

Getting a bit teary eyed just thinking of these times.

^ This is a picture of me and my uncle a few years before he died. My uncle is on the left of me. What an amazing man. 

Will leave you with these nice Ireland 2012 photos - I hope things get better from here.
Will speak soon.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Current thoughts

Instead of coming home from a typical Wednesday pub evening and revising, I am writing a blog. Sets my priorities straight, I think.

Things have been so rough right now and the only way available to express, is through words.
I hate writing about how I am been struggling because it just seems so repetitive. Oh look, Amy is struggling again. Same old same old. Can't she just get over herself and move on?
If you have that attitude towards me then just unfollow my blog, because you are not going to like what's coming.

Last week I was struck down by a really nasty virus which caused me to be in Sixth Form 1.5 out of the 5 days I was supposed to be in that week. Lethargy, nausea, coughs, colds, fatigue, headaches, and stomach pains. I had it all. And although being ill is a natural part of human life - I know most of it was brought on by stress and my body just wanting to shut down.
Stress is a word which is so applicable to my life right now - yet with me stress leads to depression. And I can feel it returning. Slowly. And having no-one there to talk to is fucking difficult.
On a typical Wednesday night I would have been at Sarah's (my old counsellor) - and I would have been able to openly vent about it all.
And now, my depression venting is limited - and there is no other person I can express it to properly. Which causes it all to build up inside and fester...

I had a small panic attack in a mock exam on Tuesday. It wasn't even important. Just a little way to practice writing answers for section B of my upcoming Literature exam.
I just went blank and tears were building in my eyes. I couldn't control the physical butterflies and sweating and shaking and I don't even know where it came from but I knew I needed to get out of the situation. So I did.
What use did it do? None whatsoever. I still have to face all seven of these exams, one of which starts next Tuesday. Running away from it isn't going to help.

But boy does it seem a lot easier sometimes. I sound terrible but if I am struggling now, I don't know if I can live the rest of my life dealing with more and more challenges which I clearly can't cope with.
As someone in recovery from depression and who is supposed to be improving, does still saying that I wouldn't want to be alive if it wasn't for Nathan improving?
There is so much I should be wanting to live for - but I just crave Nathan and his love and that's all I need. I am fed up of taking any other shit. Life just seems too hard and I am not prepared to fight it. Everytime I fight I get knocked back. Again, and again, and again.

I need a person to say this all to face-to-face. I have a couple of people in mind, both teachers with their own lives who don't need to be worrying about mine - three weeks before I leave the school for good.

I am so, so, scared. And putting the face on is even scarier because one day I fear I will just lose control.