Sunday, 31 August 2014

Identity and being an adult

The best thing about the internet is getting to meet and interact with kind-hearted, occasionally like-minded people (note - not always),  re-engage with current friends and now in my case, long-lost relatives.

One of the worst things about the internet - and there are many awful things, this is just one - is the amount I compare my life to others around me, leading me to in ways idolise and want to be like them in some way. Social media sites such as Facebook, YouTube and blogs tend to spark this pure hatred of myself that I can't be as pretty/confident/inspiring as some stranger on the internet that I don't even know, or even friends that I do know. I feel like these sites have worsened the struggle with my identity that I face on a daily basis, which I discussed and mentioned in my BPD post a few months back. Those with BPD tend to have a difficult time identifying who or what makes them the person they are - or sometimes it may even be just difficult to accept that they are a person at all. As I've mentioned previously, they may engage in copy-like behaviour to attempt to be the person they want to be as opposed to the person they are (as they cannot make sense of who that person is) and very much have a hard time accepting themselves. The internet has undoubtedly worsened this behaviour in myself and has drawn my attention to how challenging I am finding the process of 'finding myself' at the moment.

These thoughts drew to my attention after appearing to notice others lives on social media and how even though this may not be a reality, for most, a lot of people seem to have a focus or a motivation to want to do the things that they do. Many of my friends are currently travelling or living abroad,  one has just returned from a 6 week volunteer placement in Thailand, one from a similar trip to South Africa, raising insane amounts of money for charity, and I have friends completing internships, getting engaged, working towards their goals, whether they be at the beginning or whether they are currently working along their journey to these ambitions.

It pains me inside that for me, being 20 days from turning 22 years old, I feel like I've missed out on so much. I missed out on holidaying with best friends abroad, travelling, the University experience, the gigs and concerts I could have attended, moving out at the age of 18 and creating a life for myself. The only thing I have managed to do right is maintain a loving relationship with my partner, which I wouldn't change for the world. My relationship is very stable and solid, despite my mental health issues, and I have been extremely lucky. But due to my health, opportunities have been missed out on and now I'm at an age where I feel like I want to travel, do things, be someone, and have no idea where to start.

I've always known that I've wanted to travel, yet grew up in a household where travelling was just never an option. It infuriated me to no end - but after my first ever holiday abroad this year (yes, first ever) it re-iterated the desire I have to connect with life outside of my tiny sphere in East London. The bubble that I've been trapped into my whole life, so desperate to escape from. Re-connecting with my biological father this year, who, alternatively has lived in a multitude of different countries throughout his life and has travelled a huge chunk of the world, really finalised it all for me. Through no fault of my own, I've missed out on this side of living.

My anxiety has led me to turn down plenty of opportunities I 'could' have had - volunteering opportunities, chances to be on television to vocalise my struggles and inspire others, going to a University away from home and actually staying there longer than a month, times with friends which, if accepted, may lead to them actually wanting to talk to me now instead of being faced with complete ignorance. I spend way too much time saying 'no' then I do saying 'yes' and I'm so close to being 22 and feel like nothing has come of these years of my life because of these wasted opportunities.

I wish so dearly that I could be a different person, and that's my problem. I want everyone elses life, and not my own. I get so frustrated that I can't be somebody else that I wind up depressed as a result.

Life feels so complicated for me and is something I'm not quite getting used to. That I'm at an age where I'm beginning to be questioned about marriage and children, and getting a mortgage. On what I 'want to do with my life', which is the worst question of all, because if I had the choice, I wouldn't be existing in the first place. It seems so difficult to try to transcend into the adult part of my life when I never really felt like I properly lived the child/teenage one. How can somebody who was bullied through her childhood the way that I was and who hated herself so much that acts such as self-harm and starvation were an option from the age of 12 years old, be able to cope with this next chapter or work out what she wants from herself? What she really wants is to reverse time and start all over again. What she really wants is a chance to live life again with a new perspective. It's too late now, though.

I grew up way too quickly as a child and matured a lot earlier than my peers and ironically, now I'm in my early twenties, I'm so eager to be a child again because I never got that chance.

Some would say that the only person stopping me from living life to the fullest is myself. Maybe you're all right. But I know, deep down that I have motivation inside of me. It's the same motivation that made me apply for University and the same that applied for this new job. But wasn't good enough to make me last in the first University I chose or to fight against my inner demons.

I want to travel and see the world, and inspire others, and work hard, and make people happy with what I do, and be successful, and have plenty of friends, all with my partner by my side.

Yet where's the motivation to do all of these things? Trapped in the little voice in my head that is telling me that it's too late. And it is too late. What if I never really work out who I am in the end? What if I'm just one of those people who everybody forgets in the end because she took so long to catch up to everyone else. What if I'll end up the boring one who made nothing of herself? I can't push myself to be anything other than this person who wants what she feels like she'll never have, and to sit and watch others living dreams and having times of their lives that she'll probably never have will kill her one day.

Who the hell am I?

Thursday, 28 August 2014

I'm back!

It's been well over a month since I made a post on this blog, and I can only apologise for doing so. I began a blogging challenge in the middle of July alongside my good friend Charlene, where I attempted to blog every single day for 30 days. I managed 27 days until the devastating news of Robin Williams death not too long ago, which left me, in all honesty feeling extremely numb and very low, leaving me unable to complete the challenge. Disappointed as I was in myself, and doubtlessly you were all too also in me, it was an extremely interesting and challenging month which taught me many things about myself. I have now changed the URL of this blog, my central blog, to the name absolutely-amy.

Since I last blogged, my life has been difficult, mainly to do with circumstances surrounding my father and his wife. At this point last week, my life took a drastic spin and due to these events, I shut myself away. I called in sick to my job, buried myself under the covers for days, didn't eat or sleep, and cried constantly. A week on and I'm feeling a little more myself, yet without being specific, am struggling internally with the remnants of the events of my previous week.

Besides this however, and as hard as this past month has been, I have good things to look forward to. I have a training date for my new job as a student receptionist on the 8th of September, to which I hope to begin said job not long afterwards. I will be celebrating my 22nd birthday on the 21st of September, and have a fun weekend planned alongside family and friends. My second year of University begins on the 22nd of September, of which I have longed for ever since my first year ended all the way back in May. I am a person who requires stability and a sense of routine in order to function properly, and I think this may be why I struggle so much with my depressive tendencies during the summer period. I've been spending a lot of time alone, leaving my anxiety to fester, and going to work in a job I dislike doesn't help much either. Yet despite this, during this summer I also gained a father, and in the last week a grandmother, and a cousin of whom I love so dearly. Clouds do have silver linings sometimes.

I've been having to come to terms recently with aspects of my past that it would be preferable for me not to address. Understanding why I am the way that I am. I don't like it one bit because more than anything I wish things had been different. That's the part that hurts the most. The damage has been done.

I tamper between wanting to be alive and wanting to be dead. The only place where I feel as if I currently belong is in the arms of my partner, who makes me feel alive and the human that I want to be. I'm at a stage in life where people are moving forward, groups are differing and forming of which I am not a part of, no matter how much I try to be. It's starting to feel a little bit like being at school again. I don't know who I am or where I belong.

Having BPD alongside anxiety is unbearably exhausting. You're constantly drifting from cheering people up, to letting them down, to relying on them too often, to never wanting to see anybody again. One minute I have urges to injure myself and the next, I tell myself how stupid I'm being for even thinking it. Right now, I wouldn't like to be dead but just to disappear. Perhaps for a week, few weeks, a month. I think the word to describe life right now, especially the past few months, is overwhelming.

It's all just a bit too much.